Tag Archives: deodorant

Unintended blashphemy

1 Sep

“Dear God in heaven!”

I’m not sure what’s wrong with me but I keep saying something that I think is blasphemous.  Well actually, I do know what’s wrong with me.  I’ve been doing something really stupid all summer long and each time I do it, I react with “Dear God in heaven!”

For some idiotic reason, I keep smelling random clothes found on the floor to determine if they’re clean or not. Guess what, they never are!!!  And let me tell you something about summer, very bad things brew in the summertime and permeate quite generously from the fibers of a teenager’s clothing.   In this instance, it comes down to basic math:

Marching Band + Cross Country + Soccer² = Toxic Wash

I debated on whether to include “Summer Job” in the formula, but my eldest works at a BBQ restaurant and the smell of smoked beef is quite a nice turn compared to everything else — those clothes don’t cause me to blaspheme my Lord. Also, the aroma of BBQ smoke is generous enough to infiltrate a 10 foot radius, so I know whether it’s clean or not before I’ve entered the room.  No need to lift and sniff those clothes.    Although, they do require the use of one of those Oxy-based detergents to get 95% of the smell out.

To be fair, I should add my husband’s contribution of “Team Manager” to the formula ’cause it happens with his T-shirts too.  I mean really, after 20+ years of marriage, I totally should know better.

I had actually improved my acts of stupidity during the summer and clearly recall making a pact to myself that if it’s on the floor, I’d just deem it dirty and NOT smell it first.  But today, I was thrown off because my dog likes to snag socks and brings them to the gameroom — clean or dirty. The pair today we’re all folded up, just like a clean set newly washed.  So what do I do?  Smell them…. “Dear God in heaven!”  They weren’t clean.

I really just need to stand firm to my rule.  No more lift and sniff!!  Maybe if I stop blaspheming Him, I’ll start remembering to just wash instead of wonder.

Deut 5:11  No using the name of God, your God, in curses or silly banter; God won’t put up with the irreverent use of his name.  (The Message)

Parenting Tip: Axe spray deodorant isn’t enough.  Once the essence of your beast really develops, an antiperspirant with deodorant is required.


Death of a backpack

3 Sep

Apple juice does not age well

Tomorrow is the first day my 6th grade beast will dress out for his P.E. class.  So after convincing him that he should pack a set of gym clothes AND take deodorant, we went to his room to load up a drawstring backpack.  As we sifted through the closet, I found DVDs and clothes tucked in odd places.  I looked at my baby beast who admitted, “That’s from our summer vacation when you told me to unpack.  I didn’t feel like putting the DVDs in the game room so I shoved them in there.”   I replied, “We’ll deal with this stuff later,” meaning he has an added chore for Saturday’s list.

But the drama ensued when we ventured into the corner where all his drawstring backpacks are hanging.  I lifted up the first one to find a wad of smelly clothes that had petrified slightly from the sweat they’d once absorbed.  I dumped all its contents out on the floor directing my beast to clean the bag out and went on to drawstring bag #2.

Heaven help me. Inside were the remnants of his summer mission trip from July — a trip taken over 8 weeks ago.  It made the dirty clothes from bag #1 seem quite pleasant compared to the Capri Sun slime that presently oozed out of its ripened container.  (Lesson learned – look before you reach in or dump out any questionable carrying bags.)  I quickly handed this to my beast with instructions to take the bag outside for cleaning.   But the worst was yet to come….

Bag #3… it left a trail of destruction behind.  You know, recently Dr. Oz did a show where he mentioned apple juice has trace amounts of arsenic in it.   Well, what he didn’t divulge was that if you leave apple juice in a drawstring bag for who knows how long, and the cap isn’t on completely, and the apple juice collects and sits, that it will basically mutate into a horrendous moldy, mucus-like property that will work its way through plastic-coated canvas and form a syrup-like puddle on hardwood floor.  So very nasty.

As a mother, I’ve been peed on, pooped on, puked on, sneezed on, coughed on, spit on and probably more that I don’t even realize… but the stuff inside this bag did not look like anything I’d ever encountered.   A quite unnatural display of rot is the best I can describe.  In fact, after this experience and seeing the after-effects, I am not sure how I feel about apple juice anymore.

Parenting Tip:  To be sure they’re empty, have your kids turn bags inside out before storing them away.

[Romans 8:21 …the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay.]

Eau de Eleven

27 Jan

bathroom drawer
The daily aroma aresnal

I don’t get anxiety about anything in life, but last week I admitted to my husband that I was really dreading the ride home after a recent cross country meet.  There’s never any drama about the meet results or how well anyone does.  For us it is all about the aroma of adolescence that fills the car as soon as the door is shut.  Now,  I totally know what Kurt Cobain meant when he wrote, “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”   Oh wow, does it ever.

Remember the days when you’d bathe your baby boy and loved to smother your nose in his hair or skin to get that fix of Johnson & Johnson fragrance?  As toddlers, you might even catch a trace as they pass you by.

It was a huge learning curve for us when my first-born’s musk kicked in.  But we’ve been working through it for almost 3 years now, so it should be old hat, right?

Yet still for some reason, I was taken by surprise when I sat next to my younger son on the couch as he reclined in the hands-behind-his-head position and I realized I couldn’t breathe.  There it was — the unmistakable presence of pit stink — or as I call it, “Eau de Eleven.”  (Except, very unlike any fancy eau de parfume, this eau de toilette is not the kind of fragrance you would want to bottle, believe me.)  The days of enjoying the sweet scent of J&J has been replaced with wondering if I’ll even be able to breathe at all the next time we pass by.

It’s not that his hormones hadn’t made their presence known before that day.  It was more that I was in denial about having to implement the daily plan of attack.  The reality has set in that my baby boy, my youngest, my last remaining cuddle-buddy is taking yet another step deeper into the world of beasthood.  Now we have to make sure he implements his daily plan too, every day.  And with that plan in place, we are managing the newest olfactory intrusion — the body spray.  Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful that the Eau de Eleven has dissipated.  Seriously though, can’t they make a cut-off valve or timer on this stuff so these kids are limited to how much they use?   Now when he walks by, I am really not sure what to expect.

With the older son, it was trial and error getting him to comply with proper tactics. And although there are still gaps in the implementation plan, he at least has a system he believes in and thankfully the body spray isn’t in his plan.  In addition to the shower, he has a 3-step application that he says works the best.  Hey, I am not arguing – at least he’s putting the deodorant on and showering daily, sometimes twice a day.   But alas, what we haven’t mastered yet is the importance of fresh clothes and washing the athletics uniform regularly, but that my dears is a different blog for a different day.

NOTE:  If your child is a different age, you basically substitute that number for “Eleven.”   So in the instance of being captive in our car after the cross country meet, the olfactory overload was compliments of  “Eau de Thirteen” since it was my older son’s glands at work.   Thank the Lord for sun roofs.

Parenting Tip: Encourage the successes and coach through the rest.   [2 Timothy 4:2   Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction.]


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