Thankfully, It’s Just Mono

Decontamination in progress

We didn’t know what was going on.  We knew our teenager had become moody and did many stereotypical things that you’d expect from a teenager.  And clearly there are new habits he’s formed that have surprised me.  But the last couple of weeks took us down an entirely different path, and we started to become a little desperate.

• I had become used to the slow pace, but lately it was lethargy.
• I was used to him wanting privacy, but it had become isolation.
• There was a trend of slacking on homework, but it suddenly became refusal.
• I knew he was dealing with allergies, then one day he said everything was hurting.
• I was used to him acting quirky, but this week it was erratic and sometimes irrational behavior.

We seriously discussed whether he might be tottering into a state of depression.  He just didn’t show any signs of a severe illness – no clear ones, at least.  One headache, one day.  Random stomach ache that went away.  Scratchy throat, but not sore.  He said he didn’t have fever, and I never checked.  But, it was the change in personality, the deep and sudden dive that made us wonder.   All the standard parenting tips didn’t seem to help shape his attitude. You know, the usual:  “Give them space.  Don’t berate them about every chore. Don’t bail them out when they make mistakes.  Don’t ask too many questions. Let them give input on family decisions. Praise and encourage them.”  Blah, blah, blah.  Regardless of my feeble attempts, our beast was becoming more and more like a tortured zombie.

We decided to take him to the doctor to go ahead and rule out anything medical first.  They did blood work, and that was quite a dramatic spektical.  That one needle stick caused my tough, strong-willed beast to forget any manhood he had recently claimed — refusing to bend his arm or lift anything with it for the next 24 hours.  It was funny to see him try to function like he had a broomstick on his right shoulder. I didn’t dare make any comments about that to him.

Today when the nurse called to tell us it was mono, we were really shocked.  Didn’t that mean quarantines, hospital stays or boxing them up in bubble wrap away from the world?  Apparently not.  Not only could he continue going to school, the doctor cleared him to run in his track meet today.  Totally doesn’t make sense.  But, we gave him the choice and he wanted to run.  He ran, finished last and was ready to come home.  Thankfully he has Good Friday off so he can rest this weekend.  I’ll try to baby him as much as he’ll let me and make sure he rests.

During a quiet, pensive moment at lunch, my husband commented out of the blue, “I am so glad it is just mono.”  I agreed and told him about my text to my mom earlier that read, “Praise God.  He just has mono.”   We really didn’t know what was going on in that little head of his based on the way he’d been acting.  But knowing he is actually sick, we are frankly a little relieved and thankful it isn’t as bad as we were starting to imagine.

Parenting Tip:  If you think they might be depressed, have them checked for mono. Or more realistically, when in doubt take their temperature.

[1 Cor 10:13  No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.]

The Home Schooling Strategy

I’ve complained about not getting to school on time. I’ve complained about receiving acknowledgment from my beast when I’m on campus with him. I’ve figured out why home schooling is a growing strategy for parents.

Home-schoolers don’t just have control over the education of their children, but they bypass some of the challenges around bringing up beasts:

• You always know how much homework your beast was assigned.
• You never get snuffed when dropping them off at school.
• You are the ride to the field trip and back. They can’t ignore you.
• You don’t have to fill out a million permission slips, sign report cards, mystery forms or write checks to the school every week.
• You get to eat lunch with them every day, and your beast probably joins you willingly.
• No more Monday folder full of “parent’s homework.”
• There is no mystery around what they are learning in school.
• Library books have a lesser chance of being lost.
• No last minute trips to the drugstore or local supermart for those supplies that have to be turned in tomorrow, but couldn’t be disclosed prior to 9 p.m. the night before they are due.
• You never have to drive left behind projects, text books, shoes, gym clothes, notebooks, french horn mouthpieces, practice cards, lunches, jump drives, book reports, library books, homework, checks or cookie dough order forms up to the school office.
• And most importantly, you get along with the teacher really well!

No wonder more and more parents are taking this approach. I am sure they live perfectly happy and harmonious lives and don’t face any beast-like issues that public school or private school parents face. Right?

True or not, a girl can dream. Even if I am too lazy to act.

Parenting Tip: Know your limits. Everyone has different gifts and abilities, and in parenting skills it is no different.

[Deuteronomy 11:18-19 Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.]

My Beast is Brilliant

What they want you to think

I just had a light bulb moment.  So many puzzling and frustrating encounters could have been avoided had I figured this out sooner — my beast is actually brilliant.  You may not realize it, but if you have an adolescent son – he is too.  I know because they need no advice, know where everything is and exactly what needs to be done.

Even if they try to make you think they need help, can’t find anything and will never do their chores, they are probably just humoring you so you think you are still needed.  You’re not.  They really have everything under control.

Their grades may not reflect it, but again I am sure that is just a ruse. The look on their faces may seem blank when you ask them questions, but that’s got to be part of their cover.  Rest assured, they need nothing from us.

They just haven’t moved out yet because the law says they can’t do so until age 18.   Silly laws.  At least now that I’ve figured it out, I won’t be confused when they do something so perplexing.  You see, they can only be brilliant because they have such a brilliant mom.  Booyah!

Parenting Tip:  Remember, mistakes are chances to mold and teach them while they are still under your roof and you can still force them to listen.

[Proverbs 28:26  If you think you know it all, you’re a fool for sure; real survivors learn wisdom from others.]

Who are you woman?

At what point did I become this unclean leper that my beast refuses to come near or acknowledge knowing me?  Track season has started.  The day before the event, I went into my beast’s room to confirm which event(s) he’s running.  Since I was getting little response, I was happy to at least get him to admit that he did indeed want me to come and watch him run.  That night, we watched the race and since he was only in one event, we knew he could leave right after.

I saw my beast on the field walking towards the 50-yard line.  Since he was alone, I knew it would be okay to cross the track and intercept him so we could all leave as a family.  As he approached the 40-yard line, I saw a subtle smirk overtake his face as his gaze and path began to veer left away from me.  He knew I was coming and was trying to avoid contact.  “Nuh-uh,” I protested.  “I just want to ask you a question.”

And that’s how most public encounters play out nowadays.

In elementary, it was a big deal at our kids’ school when your parents dropped off a fast food lunch and maybe even sat to enjoy it with you.  Back then we’d always be welcomed with a big smile, thank you and possibly even an open hug in front of friends.  I guess the first warning sign that those amicable days of relationship and public conversation are over surfaced during the first year in middle school.  It was 6th grade when he claimed parents weren’t allowed to come to the lunchroom anymore “for security reasons.” I know from reliable sources that this just isn’t true.

I’ve pretty much given up on being a field trip chaperone too — unless it is a place I actually want to visit.  Last time I helped out “to be nice,” my son blew past me on the way to the bus whispering, “I don’t know you woman.”  It was made clear — don’t sit by him, don’t talk to him, don’t look at him and don’t think about him during this event.  Being around the Mother Beast had totally ceased to be cool.

I know not all kids are this way — I’ve seen some kids who still admit they have parents when they attend the band concerts, open house or sporting events.  I even saw one child actually wave to his dad in the stands at the track meet.  I think his dad actually got it on video too.  But not my beast.  Even during drop off in the morning, I am pretty thankful on the days I get a grunt after wishing him a good day at school.

I am working on a strategy to mold my younger beast so that he doesn’t have the same need for anonymity around me as he enters middle school next year.  I do the very thing that ‘experts’ warn against — I pit the behavior of one against the other.  So far it seems to be taking a hold.  My younger beast actually commented the other day, “I am never going to be like him and do that.”   Although I see it already taking place with my 5th grader.  I dropped him off last week and wished him a ‘good day.’  But in return, I received a “bye” with all the same skill and talent of a professional ventriloquist — no use of the jaw, lips, eye contact or facial expression.  Just in case any of his friends were looking.

I continue to ‘casually mention’ from time to time that if he is more agreeable to having me around, I’ll happily bring a pizza to lunch for him next year that he can share with his buds.  I mean, really, how cool is that? Delivery, not dine in. I won’t even try to stay or sit down.  I think it will work.

Parenting Tip: Child taking to long to come to the car?  Let them know you’re happy to come inside and find them.

[2 Corinthians 13:12 Greet one another with a holy kiss]

Rush Me, I Dare You

lunch boxes in waiting

Morning has made my strapping, vibrant 14-year-old turn into a crotchety old man.   I’ve never seen anyone move so slowly.  What I find so amazing is the more I try to encourage or demand he hurry up, the slower he actually moves like he is saying, “Rush, me. I dare you.”  And now, using science I can prove that it is actually happening.

Take Newton’s third law of motion.  It states how forces always occur in pairs. Every action is accompanied by a reaction of equal magnitude but opposite direction.  In our home, Newton’s law is demonstrated most consistently between 6:30 and 7:20 a.m. weekdays and 8:30 – 9:15 on Sunday mornings.

Case in point:  I’ve seen the extreme where the beast actually lays down on the bed when I lovingly advise, “We need to leave in 2 minutes!” It’s like I have flipped a switch in his brain.  It may be the stubborn switch, the brat switch, the you’re-not-the-boss-of-me switch, but it is some kind of switch any time I attempt to encourage punctuality.

Earlier this week discussing the scenario with my husband, I found myself actually describing my beast like a crotchety old man.  Here’s why.  To hurry things along in our morning routine, I sometimes take his shoes, backpack and binder to the car so all he has to do is grab his breakfast and follow.  The other day after about 1 minute alone in the car, I returned inside and found him sitting at the table with a glass of water, taking all his pills, one at a time like an old man.  Tiny sip, allergy pill.  Tiny sip, chase allergy pill.  Tiny sip, vitamin #1.  Tiny sip, chase vitamin #1. Tiny sip, vitamin #2.  Tiny sip, chase vitamin #2.   With a leisurely glance in the distance sprinkled in between each step. Seriously.  I wasn’t sure whether to burst out laughing or lose my lid!

I’ve made the dictate that he has to get everything ready the night before so he cannot delay or stall with the fine art of packing up the backpack.  And he absolutely is not allowed to make his lunch the day of.  Somehow that activity takes the same amount of time as a gourmet meal.  If it isn’t made by the time we need to leave, he isn’t making one and must buy.  (Seems like that could be a reward, but right now we are in the “taking-your-own-lunch-is-cool” phase.)

And gone are the days when he used to wear his tennis shoes like slippers, never untying them to take them off or put them on.  Newton’s law in action – tell him it is time to leave, and he meticulously unties, inserts foot, straightens the tongue, tightens the network of laces, reties, double-knots, adjusts socks… a 30-second event takes 4 minutes.

My latest tactic is to wake him up earlier thinking more time will result.  Along comes Newton’s law again — the pace just slows.  I want him to be able to eat breakfast at the table, have time to read his devotional and feel ready to meet the day.  Maybe Newton’s law can become my ally?  Maybe I just need to tell him he’s acting like an old man — then, maybe Newton’s law will adjust and he’ll act like the beast I’d much prefer him to be.  It’s worth a try. Dare me?

Parenting Tip: Nothing you do can prepare you for the onset of premature aging.

[1 Timothy 5:1  Don’t be harsh or impatient with an older man. Talk to him as you would your own father, and to the younger men as your brothers.]